Today I had the job of trying to minister to a woman who was grieving the death of a colleague. It has long been a personal pet peeve of mine that Christians don’t do a very good job of consoling those who grieve. Unfortunately, we’d rather offer platitudes and cheap words than deal honestly with death and grief.
I’m always reminded of Job’s friends. After Job’s astounding loss of family, livelihood, and personal health, his friends came to comfort him. They put on the signs of grieving (they cried, tore their clothes, and put ashes on their heads). Then they shut up and sat with him. For a whole week they sat beside him, mourning with him, but didn’t speak.
Today we’re so afraid of grief that we say ridiculous (and sometimes theologically stupid) things. We say these things for a couple reasons. Sometimes we genuinely feel bad and want to comfort the one who grieves, so we use our words to TRY to make them feel better. Other times we OURSELVES are uncomfortable with someone’s grief, so we try to lighten the atmosphere for our own sake.
But the honest truth is that words do little to ease the hurt when we suffer loss, when we grieve the death of a friend. Words and sayings do little to dull the pain. So I’ve stopped trying to say things in a cheap attempt to make it hurt less. I say we should embrace the pain.
I’m reminded of King David’s famous 23rd Psalm where he writes:
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil; for Thou art with me….
Notice that David never talks about God miraculously making things better. God doesn’t remove David from the valley of the shadow of death. David simply takes comfort and strength knowing that, even IN THE MIDST of the chaos, God walks alongside him.
Jesus told his disciples:
In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
We will go through chaos and turbulence. We will know suffering and pain and loss. God never promises to keep us from it. But we know that, through it all, God walks beside us every step of the way.
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4 Replies to “Shut Up, I’m Trying to Grieve”
This is very well put!!! The best thing anyone could have done for me when my son David died was just be present. I would become so angry and even enraged when people would tell me well at least he was young so he was around for you to make that many memories or you can always have another baby.
I truly don’t believe those people meant to harm me but their words were so insensitive, hurtful, and damaging that it was very difficult to not build resentment towards them. I had to really pray for God to touch their hearts and minds and cleanse their words. I prayed for God to keep my heart pure from resentment and strife.
Thanks for sharing about such a difficult tragedy.
I dislike it when people tell me that Joshua is in a better place. NO! it’s better for him to be here.God took a bad situation and used it for good, there is a little 9 yr old with my grandson’s heart beating for him. We were preparing for my dad’s death for over a year ( he died ) last
Weds. His body is at peace. Nothing prepares you when you lose a loved one suddenly, don’t tell me not to cry or grieve, don’t say anything….just hand me a tissue. Good post!
We’re still praying for you and the family. We love you guys very much.